One Veteran's Voice

24 January 2006


I have been busy with school and other projects, but I can find the time to point you towards this great piece of political humor. I almost pissed myself when I read this,
49. Michelle Malkin

Charges: A curious case of racial Stockholm syndrome with a palpable lust for violent ideological oppression and displays of imperial power. Rose to prominence in conservative circles by congratulating white America for its most shameful chapter since slavery, and encouraging a return to form in her book, In Defense of Internment: The Case for “Racial Profiling” in World War II and the War on Terror. Malkin thinks it’s hunky-dory to detain an entire demographic indefinitely if it makes the rest of us feel more comfortable. Her newest, Frenzy, argues that liberals have lost their minds, because they are upset with the direction their country is taking. Her evidence is a carefully collected selection of the dumbest things liberals have ever said, as if she couldn’t have just as easily filled an entire library with the insane ravings of right-wingers. Her accusations of blind hatred and vitriol mimic soul sister Ann Coulter’s classic tactic of psychological projection: whatever Malkin is, she sees in her opponents.

Exhibit A: Internment was so irresponsible that it prompted 40 history professors to sign a letter condemning it.

Sentence: Detained indefinitely without charge and waterboarded hourly for looking at a cop “all slanty-like.”
Our Commander and Chief is up there at number 3,
3. George W. Bush

Charges: Simply put, the stupidest man ever to lead this country. Bush’s lobotomized Will Rogers routine is a satirist’s dream, a European intellectual’s caricature of the dipshit cowboy American, all balls and no brains. Often responds to questions by attempting to define the word he finds the most challenging in them. Thinks press reports of his various crimes are responsible for his waning popularity, rather than the deeds themselves. Interprets the constitution like a Unitarian interprets the bible; for maximum convenience and with no regard to the actual text. Foreign policy vision is less serious and more simplistic than an issue of Captain America.

Exhibit A: “I want to thank the President and the CEO of Constellation Energy, Mayo Shattuck. That’s a pretty cool first name, isn’t it? Mayo. Pass the Mayo.”

Sentence: Trapped for eternity under shoddily manufactured Diebold voting machine, unable to reach nearby refrigerator full of hot dogs and bourbon.
Worth a laugh, anyway.

4 Other Voices:

freakpowertix said...

i enjoyed this hitlist... skimmed it, but there was nary a missed note in almost everything that i looked at, i think... (i was a little bothered by the diss on tookie williams [in the jesse jackson entry], but everything else was sharply pointed & directed @ the right targets). thx for posting it!

1/25/2006 04:24:10 AM  
Anonymous said...

Thanks, I saw mention of this on some site and skipped it, turned out to generally be spot on. Hillary is fine where she is. Glad to see Unka Karl and Bill O'Liely get honorable mention..
I pray that if saner voices ever get the media attention some of these people get they remember to have a little humility.

1/25/2006 06:04:12 AM  
dannyinwisconsin said...

Yeah, funnier'n all hell.
I got a kick out of it, anyway. And I didn't mind seeing Hillary in there, either. Fuckin funny, man.

1/25/2006 01:46:46 PM  
Sarah said...

I saw this yesterday! You beat me to it. I'm partial to Number 4:

4. You (Me)

Charges: Silently enabling and contributing to the irreversible destruction of your planet. Absolving yourself of your responsibility to do anything about it that your immediate neighbors don't. Assuming that it's normal behavior to spend several hours each day totally inert and staring into a cathode ray tube. Substituting antidepressants for physical motion. Caring more about the personal relationships of people you will never meet than your own. Shrugging your shoulders at the knowledge that your government is populated by criminal liars intent on fooling you into impoverished, helpless submission. Cheering this process on.

Exhibit A: You don't even know who your congressman is.

Sentence: Deathbed realization that your entire life was an unending series of stupid mistakes and wasted opportunities, a priceless gift of potential extravagantly squandered, for which you deserve nothing but scorn or, at best, indifference, and a cold, meaningless demise.

I think Hillary should have been farther up on the list, say Number 11 or so.

1/25/2006 02:16:58 PM  

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